One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
