They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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