I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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