I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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