Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
