I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
