Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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