I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
did i just pee glitter
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
