When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
