i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
