You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
