I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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