I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
