Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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