You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
