I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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