i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
