i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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