Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
