You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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