I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
