went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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