you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
