theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize