weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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