all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
