I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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