I wish I could teleport
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
