when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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