I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
