just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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