How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I am one with the molecules
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
