I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
