he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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