I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
