last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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