My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
