I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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