If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
