The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
try to milk me bitch
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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