She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
