i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
