I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
