The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
