In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
