I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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