its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize