Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
