this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
