my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
