$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
