So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Randomize
