Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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