I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize