thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
