I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Randomize