I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
