You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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