Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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