i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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