Are we in a gay sports bar?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im six kinds of drunk right now
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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