I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
