There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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