Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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